I have left Greece and I am now in Switzerland for my UCLA study abroad program. I miss Greece, but I am so excited to get going with my program here in Geneva. As I reflect on my time in Greece, I think the most striking thing to me was the way the Lord changed how I viewed myself.
It can Be hard to be a Christian girl.
So here is the shout out to every girl who wanted to be perfect and failed. I am right there with you. There is something about knowing what you are supposed to be, having that image in your head, but feeling like a complete failure in trying to attain it. Along with all the other complications of the insecurities that bind us as women, sometimes I find that within the church we add a whole new element of guilt. I am too much, but I am not enough. I am not who I am supposed to be. I need to be more. I need to hide more.
I have always had this mental image in my head: on the op of a mountain stands the perfect woman. She is not real, but rather an image to attain. She is who every woman "should" aspire to be. She is kind, compassionate, gentle, delicate, sweet, giving, everything to everyone.. you know sugar and spice and everything nice. At the bottom of the mountain is me. My goal is to get to the top. To attain this image and to embody it. But I needed to climb the steep mountain. While I am climbing though, there are others throwing rocks at me. I am hit over and over. I cant get up the mountain. I feel so discouraged. Many of the people throwing rocks are other christians which adds a whole other hurt. I always felt there was something inately wrong with me. No matter how hard I tried I could not be her. I could not be what I deemed to be "perfect". I am clumsy. I often say the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Sometimes my passion overrides my sense of reason. I am not always gentle and kind. I am not delicate by any stretch of the imagination. I always felt I guess you could say inadequate at the core of my being. I could strive to accomplish whatever I wanted to, but there was always this deep insecurity about who I was.
But I never pushed this view on any other girl but me.
I have talked with many girls that have felt the same as me. Its funny how the things we struggle with sometimes become what we are most passionate about. I never want any girl to not understand what she is worth. While I was in Greece, I grieved for the women in the streets. I could not fathom how they viewed themselves. The depth of their hurts and insecurities. The ways I have felt caused a lot of pain, but this was way beyond that. They had been destroyed at the core of who they were. I wanted them to see themselves as I saw them. As talented, beautiful, funny, and altogether precious women that were loved by their heavenly Father. I prayed for them constantly. During worship, I would praise the Lord for who He was, and ask that the girls would see who they were in Him. You know what happened? The Lord showed me who I was. In my quest to love these girls, I began to love myself. The Lord lifted the burden I felt for my lack of perfection, for all the mistakes I had made. The more I began to realize who I was.. the more love I felt for these girls. Can I even express the abundant joy and overflowing love that stirs inside me? There is no way I could express it.
Here is my tangent.. sometimes I just write.. so bear with me.
The one thing I hate.. absolutely detest.. is the way that judgement has replaced a heart of love. Please take this in context.. I know there is a place for judging. But what is the greatest of these: to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind , and soul... and to love your neighbor as yourself? No.. we have become pretentious in our knowledge of the Word. We criticize not only the unsaved but so often we are so cruel to one another. We stay in our christian circles where we are safe. We do not really have to fight for anything. We are comfortable. But have you ever taken time to look at the people around you? I mean really look. Everyday we miss a chance to love someone. There are so many hurting people in the world. They are not just the prostituted women in Athens. People are dying inside while we live our lives knowing the truth. We criticize and bring others down. We deem people unholy without ever knowing their story. They are the girl at the check out counter who has to work instead of go to school because her family fell apart. Or the girl at school who everyone calls a whore...Did you know that she had been sexually abused growing up as a child? There are so many hurting people. We do not need to travel far to find them. Look outside your window or rather look at the one sitting next to you in church.
They are evreywhere.
While in Geneva, I am doing research, going to school, and meeting with officials and ambassadors. I already have a meeting set up with the leaders from the UN AntiTrafficking Unit, as well as officials from the human rights council. I have started my classes with a group of undergraduate and graduate students. We are studing globalization and global goverance in the context of urban planning in third world countries. We will also be doing a research project. I have chosen human trafficking as my topic and will begin to narrow it down soon. For one of the classes I am doing a different research project on forced migration in the context of regional conflicts. We are visiting all the global orgs while we are here after we spend time in class. So pretty much its 9 to 5 everyday. Pray that the Lord will show me how to glorify Him in all this. I want to work at a governmental level on the issue of human trafficking, but it is not enough to just get these girls out and to end it. I want to give them hope. I want to give them peace. There is only One who gives a peace that passes all understanding. There is only One who will set them free from all bondage. Pray that the Lord will reveal how I will be able to work in the secular realm while still allowing this to be about Him.
I will continue to write when I get a chance. I warn you. I am very nerdy so I apologize if it may get boring.
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35)
"We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death" (1 John 3:14).
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